Don't Worry, Be Happy

An eating disorder is an interesting mental illness, because your only issue usually isn’t just that you don’t eat. Like a fine wine with steak, eating disorders tend to pair well with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, obsessive-compulsive disorder, alcohol and drug addiction, cutting tendencies, etc. Basically it’s like one of those prescription drug commercials that is like, just so you know if you take this pill, you are also susceptible to bleeding, stomach pain, nausea, diarrhea, wanting to quit your job to become a magician and have people call you “Daddy,” etc.

I’d like to think I’m one of the lucky few that only suffers from anxiety and depression, along with my BFF Eating Disorder. There were plenty of days in the last year that I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to go to work. I just didn’t feel like being a person. And no amount of therapy, no amount of treatment helped me with that. My favorite thing is when you tell people you’re depressed and they say, “Why don’t you just try to be happy?!” It’s like, “GREAT IDEA, SUSAN! If I wanted to pretend to be happy, I’d ask your husband for some pointers.” BA DUM CHING.

But, honestly, it’s really hard to just pretend to be happy, when it’s the last thing you feel like you can do. I never was one to be interested in taking meds. It seemed very daunting. Like, you mean I have to take this pill every day UNTIL FOREVER? I hated the idea. But back in May, I hit rock bottom. I felt like there was no reason for me to get better because seriously why does it matter if I don’t eat? And then, I was reminded that that’s the eating disorder voice telling you to stay depressed so that you DON'T eat. I finally caved and inquired about anti-depressants. The thing about drugs of any kind is that I’m TERRIFIED of them. I won’t even take more than 3 Advil within a 72 hour period of time because I’m afraid that it will ruin my stomach lining and kill me. #HypochondriaAmIRight Unlike most kids, my fear of drugs, both prescription and recreational, came from 4th grade, when my mom told me if I did drugs my heart would explode and I would die. So, thank you, Karen Carroll, for your service.

When my doctor was telling me about different options for meds, I was like a lost puppy. Again, since I've never done any drugs, I just thought of all those things people told you to think about before you would do recreational drugs. Should I take half of it first, and then see how I feel after 45 minutes and if it doesn't do anything take the other half? Should I be around people that I trust the first time I take it? Am I going to take it and then sit on the couch watching a TV that's not actually on for 6 hours? And then my doc was like, "OK, ma'am, this is an anti-depressant, not a pot brownie - none of those things will happen, but you may be dizzy for like a day adjusting to it."

So, after 45 minutes of having the doctor talk me off the ledge and convince me that I wasn't taking a psychedelic, I was on my way, ready to try my last attempt at being happy. And, I'm HAPPY to report that for the last 5 months, it's been working amazingly. Honestly, it's been working so well that I have no anxiety...ever. About anything. Like I finally understand the idea of "not giving a fuck." I gave so many fucks about everything... for so long. And those fucks have since vanished. I'm not worried about getting laid off, about my student loans, about the weird mole on my chest, about the 46 telemarketer calls I get a day who think I'm some woman named Shanae looking for health insurance. None of it. I'm not waiting for another shoe to drop. I'm just out here living my life like 2007 Britney who don't give no fucks.

Social Media doesn't always accurately depict one's life, and I have had people tell me in the past that I always do look happy, that they would have no idea that I was depressed. But here's the thing, I have always lived a good life. Always been fortunate for experiences I have had. But you can be depressed, and still enjoy parts of life. Sometimes you just need a little help from others to get through it - maybe it's therapy, friends, family, treatment, or even meds. But whatever it is, don't wait to long to find out. There's a lot of fucks not to give waiting for you.