There is no “You” in Eating Disorder

You learn a lot about yourself when you go through treatment and spend 12 hours a day talking about your feelings and your broken heart. For instance, I learned that if you are a hypochondriac, eventually YOU’LL PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND BE LIKE “SEE I AM DYING.” My mom hates when I say that but i think it’s hysterical. I also learned that stress is the killer of most people’s hearts and lives, which is super fucking depressing. I realized I was putting unnecessary stress on myself for no reason at all, and would come up with these future-thinking scenarios that just destroyed me. I remember talking to Gavin one night about all of my stress, and he literally said, “How do you live like this every day? Aren’t you exhausted?” I’m like, uh yeah, buddy, look at these bags under my eyes and the clumps of hair falling out of my head. I am unwell. Something I admire about Gavin is literally how nothing is ever to the point where it’s the end of the world to him. Even if it was the actual end of the world, he would be like, “It’ll be fine.” It’s an amazing quality in a person and domestic partner (not a big deal, we’re domestic partners, I’m on his health insurance). Meanwhile, one time I had a complete meltdown because my dermatologist charged me $475 to check out a mole THAT WAS NOT MELANOMA. And I was like, “Hi ma’am, I have insurance, did you run it through the insurance?” And she looked at me and said, “yeah.” But here’s the thing- she DIDNT. So I acted like the world was crumbling, and Gavin was like Jenna it’s literally $500 why are you freaking out, you’ll get it back. And I was like BECAUSE SHE LIED TO ME! HOW MANY OTHER PATIENTS IS SHE LYING TOO IM FILING A REPORT AND WRITING A YELP REVIEW.

So what I’m saying is I learned how to manage stress better and how to just live every day as it comes. It’s an amazing difference let me tell you. I don’t have any rush in anything and I just feel like everything will eventually work out how it’s supposed to. Whether it’s Gavin and I moving back to Chicago, staying in Denver, or finding a new city to make our bitch. It’s nice to not have to think the best of our lives are sometime in the future, but is right now. And even though we’re 28 and 30, we still act like college kids with adult jobs, it’s an incredible life to live, and I’d take this life any day over anything else.

Gavin showed me how truly amazing a support system can be when you go through something traumatic. Same with my best friends. I have a group of girls from high school who have been nothing but supportive. None of them ever judges me. They just sit there, support me, and love me, and I have never felt luckier in my entire life. No one pretends like they know what it’s like to go through this, no one makes me feel guilty, they just accept me and help me get better every day. Even being 1000 miles away, they’ve supported me in more ways then I could ever explain.

There’s also people who are, well, much less supportive. People who try to make your issues about them, and it’s really not fair, and if you know of anyone who has an eating disorder, please, for the love of god, never make them comfort you. “I have to watch you go through this,” “You don’t know what it’s like for me,” “Do you know what you’re doing to your body,” “I can’t support you if this is what you’re doing to yourself,” “I will leave you if you keep doing this.” All actual things people have said to me during my 8 year struggle. And I just want the people who think like that to know: this is not about you. This is selfishly about me. Because guess what? I will be the one that can die from this, but I’m also the only one that can get better. So instead of saying those types of things, maybe something like, “I love you and I’m here for you,” “I will support you,” “I don’t know what you’re going through, but you can always call.” Thats it. That’s what us folk with eating disorders need. Gavin, my family, and my best friends have done exactly that, and that’s the reason I fight every day for my life. They give me a reason to get better, and keep living this life. So thank you, to you wonderful humans for being the exact support I need and want. Every day is easier because of you guys.