Why I Can't Just Eat, SUSAN

I often laugh when thinking about how little people know about eating disorders, and how often people don't know what to say when you tell them you have one. Don't get me wrong, it's really uncomfortable when someone tells you something that is uncomfortable. One time, a friend told me that her uncle had cancer, and I was so uncomfortable and had no idea what to say that I literally blurted out, "Aw man, that's no fun.." HUH? What? How in the world is that comforting or even empathetic or even SYMPATHETIC. Something like, "I'm so sorry to hear that." Or "I can't even imagine how you're feeling." or I DON'T KNOW MAYBE JUST LIKE NOTHING. Literally nothing would've been better than "aw man, that's no fun."

But, I get it. It's hard when you want to understand but also just can't understand. However, there are people that are worse than me. People that literally know eating disorders probably aren't good for you, but also don't really care because they can eat perfectly fine. I've been lucky that my family and friends have been very supportive, and bla bla bla. However, sometimes you end up telling people that are really bad at being human, and I honestly don't even think they know how to talk to other human beings, let alone other human beings with eating disorders. 

So, when I was home going through my first round of treatment, I found I kept seeing people that I just couldn't avoid any longer and eventually they were going to find out about my eating disorder. So finally I came in contact with a family friend that would not let up of why I was at home. Let's just call this lady, "Susan." And I finally I said, "Yeah, I'm actually in treatment for an eating disorder." AND SHE SAYS, "Oh honey, you don't need to pay people, why don't you just eat?" 

Now, I have a couple issues with this because A. It's not that easy. B. It's not that easy, and number three, SAY IT FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK: ITS NOT THAT EASY. Like GEE thanks, Susan! Is that all I have to do? Just eat food? Chomp chomp, chew chew I'M FIXED. If it was that easy, treatment centers wouldn't exist,  20% of people who have eating disorders wouldn't die from them, and about 30 million people in the US wouldn't have them. BUT SURE SUSAN GIVE ME THAT SLICE OF PIZZA, I'M HERE FOR IT. 

I don't think people understand that restricting food, and binging and purging is an addiction. But unlike any other addiction, this addiction is something I have to face, every single day, 6 times a day, and eat it, or eventually you just croak. Six times a day, I have to look at the thing that I'm addicted to wanting to avoid or wanting to purge. Like the thing that's killing me is also the thing that needs to keep me alive. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT, SUSAN?

So, SUSAN. Why can't I just eat? Well let's see. In college, someone called me fat, and told me I wasn't good enough. So I decided why eat if I'm just fat, ugly, and not good enough? If I don't eat, I don't gain weight. If I purge, I can eat, and purge, and not gain weight. It's perfect. So seeing yourself shed weight, like 8-10 pounds a week is invigorating. It's like this competition of "How much weight can I lose in a short period of time. How many days can I go without eating? Can I burn the same amount of calories that I ate today? It's a high. It's the high of watching you thin out, but then also realizing it's never going to be thin enough. Each time you say, "I'll be happy at 115, and then 115 comes around and you're like NO, I'll be happy at 110. And then 110 comes around and you're like I bet I can break 100. It never ends. The only thing that ends it is death or recovery. And for a while there, I just decided death was fine. If I could be 100 pounds but I die, at least I was at where I wanted to be. 

Passing out at work? Didn't phase me. Watching my esophagus turn to shit? Who CARES? Watching my hair fall out in clumps? WHO NEEDS IT. The only thing that scared me straight was watching my heart deteriorate. Watching the thing that made me fall in love, watching the thing that made me feel emotions, watching the thing that literally keeps me alive each day, start to go. I couldn't watch it. I was given the ultimatum: keep not eating or eating and purging, have surgery that may or may not help and never be able to have kids as well as reduce my life expectancy. or get better and let my heart heal.

Usually my eating disorder wins. Nothing will phase it. But when I saw my future, I didn't want to see myself dead. I saw myself married, maybe with babies, definitely with dogs. I saw a lot for myself, but dying young wasn't one of them. So now, I'M STARTING TO EAT SUSAN. But it's a struggle and life is hard, and I cry a lot. And I yell a lot, and sometimes I just don't feel like it matters whether or not I get better. But, I figured if people want me here, I want to be here too.

So that's what I'm up to, and will be up to for the next few months, years, decades. I'm giving my heart some lovin', and telling my heart to keep beating so we don't DIE because I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN HAMILTON YET AND IF I DIE BEFORE THAT I WILL COME BACK AS A GHOST AND HAUNT LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA.

The good news is: I'm not dead yet. So Lin-Manuel is safe from my haunting for now. And we're gonna go on this weird ride together folks, so STRAP IN.